Peace out, 2008

You know, just a simple thought– God is still teaching us about worry (actually, about how to not worry, and how He has everything within His perfect control)– it will probably be a lesson that lasts a lifetime. I have also realized that He is teaching us about His goodness, and how it is present ALL the time, whether we are able to discern it or not. All good things. That said, though, I am NOT sorry to see 2008 go! It will not be a year of good associations, in a lot of ways. Praying for a healthy 2009. 

    Love,

     Lauren (and Clay)

Merry Christmas

Hi everybody,

Lauren and I wanted to tell all of you that we have decided to release ourselves from the compulsion of sending Christmas cards out this year. We’ve had a stressful year as you know, so this was a little gift to ourselves.

We wanted to let all of you know that we very much appreciated your prayers and encouragement over the past year. We love you and are blessed that you are a part of our lives. I also wanted to let y’all know that I am feeling well and I am excited that my hair is back. We are believing by faith that we will get another good report in February.

Wishing all of you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! May the joy of Christ’s coming be with you this Christmas season.

Love,

Clay & Lauren 

Progress

I guess you could call the past three days progress. On Wednesday, I had a CT scan and a chest X-Ray. Pretty standard stuff. Yesterday, I had my second post-treatment appointment with the oncologist. He told me that the CT did not show any change in size of the mass in my abdomen. “This is a good thing”, he says. This means that the chemo has done its work and the former cancer cells that comprised the mass are now scar tissue. We will be almost assured of this in Feburary when I hopefully have a repeat of the PET/CT scan. The PET scan shows different types of cells, unlike the CT, so the doctor should be able to look at the results and be sure of whether or not the mass is scar tissue.

I wish the mass was completely gone, but the doctor says that it can take 5 years for the body to absorb the scar tissue. The important thing is that neither the oncologist here or (more importantly) Dr. Einhorn are recommending surgery.

I want to thank everyone who has prayed for us during this time. Knowing that you are praying and believing on our behalf is an incredible reminder of the community we are called to participate in.

God is faithful to give us exactly what we need. To Him be all the glory.

-Clay

FINALLY, news!!

Dear friends and family,

  I think one of our more talented writers in the family (our ghostwriters) will be adding to the blog, so I will not make this a long post. I just wanted to let everyone know that Clay FINALLY has a repeat CT scan of his abdomen scheduled for November 19th, and he has an appointment with Dr. Bulger the next day to find out the results. I will be taking off work to be there for both appointments. I won’t even go into the whole story about how long this has all taken, but suffice it to say that the doctor’s office has not communicated with us well at all, and this has been a very frustrating process. I won’t get on my soapbox, or this will turn into a very long message. But I will say that healthcare workers are supposed to be advocates for patients. That is our job. I am one too, so I am exhorting myself here as well. When you are a patient and your healthcare worker is not advocating for you, it is an extremely frustrating and helpless feeling. It is sad how impersonal healthcare has become in this country.

  That said, praise God that we will know something about if this mass is growing or shrinking in two weeks! We are so tired of the uncertainty. Of course, we are praying that Clay will not have to have surgery. Please pray for peace for us, and for a good report. We love you all– thank you for continuing to pray and to ask about Clay!

    Lauren and Clay

Fuzz

For those of you who don’t see Clay all the time, we are very happy to announce that his hair is coming back! It’s more of a peach fuzz right now, but it is definitely proliferating. It feels like a little victory. Praise be to God.

     C and L

Holding pattern

I’m sorry that we have been so out of touch lately. There really isn’t much news to report, so I guess that I have felt weary and tired of waiting– too tired of saying that there is nothing new to say. But actually, there are a few things to update you on. Dr. Einhorn has asked Clay to have another PET scan in the next couple of weeks, to see if the mass in his abdomen has shrunk at all, following the chemo. We understand that the chemo is still working on the tumor, even though he is not getting treatments all the time. So Clay called Dr. Bulger’s office to schedule his PET scan, and Blue Cross denied his claim for another scan. Evidently, this happens pretty often, and a physician has to review the claim and approve it. So we are waiting for the claim to be approved, waiting for the scan, waiting to see if the tumor has shrunk, waiting to know if he needs surgery… I am sick of waiting. The more we have to wait, the more time there is for doubt and fear to set in. Clay is afraid that the mass will have grown, even though we know that is unlikely. I am afraid of him having to go through surgery. We both are afraid of more chemo. Cancer is scary, and as have said so many times during this process, cancer sucks. 

We were at the beach this weekend for our anniversary (great trip, it was so nice to get away!), and we were talking about how this process has changed us and what God is doing. Right now, we are both struggling with believing and feeling that God cares for us as much as He says He does, that He is not oblivious to our earthly struggles. We both KNOW that God cares, we know that He has promised that He cares, but does it ever just feel difficult to believe that? One of our wise friends in LIFE group said that maybe there are times when you need to let the people that you care about believe for you, and pray for you. I’m sure that our perceived distance from God has more to do with our lack of communication with Him, but sometimes maybe we just need to believe and pray for one another as part of community. Would you pray that Clay’s PET scan is approved this week, and would you pray that we would feel and believe that God loves us, that He is concerned about us? 

We are grateful for you all, as always.

    Much love,

     Lauren (and Clay)

Update on Livestrong Challenge

After discussions with Lauren and Clay and forlorn glances at our bank balances, Kat and I have decided to cancel our trip to Austin this October to do the Livestrong Challenge. Although we feel it is a great charity and a good opportunity to raise awareness about cancer, between new jobs and buying a house, we simply do not have the time or the money to go.

We apologize to anyone who has given money or is planning to go to the Challenge. If there are any questions we can answer, or if there is anything we can do to expedite that process, please let us know.

Waiting

One of you must have prayed for patience, maybe it was me . . . because here we are waiting   . . . again. Maybe it was when I asked God to help me find joy in the moments I have and not the answers/things I was waiting for.  So here we are waiting  -

Waiting for the chemo to continue to work even though the treatments are over.

Waiting for clarity so the second PET/CT scan in two weeks will be more definitive about Clay’s condition.

Waiting for Dr. Einhorn to give his esteemed and respected opinion about the next step – more chemo, surgery, or all done (?).

Waiting for the Lord to meet us right where we are because it hurts to watch someone you love be sick and not be able to do a dang thing about it. Waiting for God to rescue us from this broken place where cancer exists, knowing that in heaven it won’t.

We are all waiting, with hope, but waiting none-the-less. And in the meantime we still have to buy groceries and love our children and be nice to our spouse.  I am praying for myself that He will teach me to wait differently, perhaps with more trust and more peace. He is big enough. He is enough.

Perspective

Although I have no new information to add, I suppose it’s only natural, being “the writer” and the only seminary grad in the family, that I would be called upon to blog about Clay’s current news. The truth is, though, that I am mainly dumbfounded, and am at a loss for pretty words.

Clay, of course, has accepted this setback with his usual sunny stoicism. At least it reads like stoicism, but maybe it’s just simple faith. Lauren is bearing up as best she can. Everyone is reeling; no one saw this coming.

And let me reiterate: Clay is going to be fine. I think this is a major setback, but I also think that he has all of the advantages in the world: loving family and friends, youth, good health, and the best medical care available. I don’t look forward to the weeks and months ahead, but I hope for everything.

Eight years ago, on New Year’s eve of 1999, I took a walk down a Cloverdale street in Montgomery, Alabama and waited for the world to end. You remember the forecasts: crashing mainframes, plummeting stock market, market mayhem. But the world did not end, because then, as is now, grace underslung everything. That is what I confess, and I try to live into that confession: grace underslings Clay, like grace underslings us all.

I have no perspective to offer save this: grace still underslings the world, and God is still King. This is not a pious maxim or a refutation of pain and grief, but my only hope, and yours as well. In the days and months ahead, as we love the Kirklands and pray, sing, and grieve with them, let’s live into that truth together.

Difficult news…

Hello everyone,

  Just wanted to let everyone know that Clay had his PET scan today, and it didn’t go as well as we had hoped. The mass in his retroperitoneum only shrunk about 1/2 cm with the chemo. Originally, Dr. Einhorn thought that with his type of tumor, the chemo would basically destroy it. Now it looks like there might be more than one type of cell involved, which obviously did not respond as well to the chemo. The next step is probably surgery to debulk the tumor, and both the oncologist at UAB and Dr. Einhorn want him to have surgery in Indiana. We think the surgery will not be until October or November, to give Clay some time to recover his strength and let his white count improve. 

  Naturally, we had hoped for different news. It was pretty discouraging for us. We know God is in control, but obviously He doesn’t want this to be over yet. The plan is for Clay and Dad to call Dr. Einhorn and find out if they still need to drive to Indiana for his appointment next Tuesday, or if he should just wait and come for the pre-op visit in a few months. 

  Thank you all for praying. David will add more later on to the blog. 

    Love,

    Lauren